I have recently fallen in love. I am well aware that its brand new but it feels like the beginning of something real. I am not naive or a hopeless romantic when it comes to love. I have been in enough relationships to know that there are ups and downs - its not always hearts and flowers, sometimes it is hard and really sucks. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes people just fall out of love. Its no one's fault.
But this boy, he is all the things I wanted but was too cynical to believe I could have. He is so comfortable in his own skin. He accepts me, flaws and all. When I am upset, he is able to effortlessly make me calm. The eerie thing is that this all comes so naturally to him. We laugh about the most ridiculous things. I am constantly smiling. I know these are all qualities of new love, but he feels like a friend I have known for years. I don't know why I am so lucky to have him in my life, but I am very grateful for it.
The energy he has brought into my life has done wonders for my mental state. He is passionate about his career and that inspires me. He is supportive of me and interested in my work. He makes me remember what I love about art and design. He makes me remember what I love about life in general.
I feel guilty for being this happy. My sister's marriage of 8 years is falling apart. She is trying to hold it together for her children, but when I speak to her on the phone she breaks down.
My mother calls me crying, because she is in poor health, because she has been in a miserable marriage for the past 40 years, because she is heartbroken for her grandaughter and her grandchildren.
I think my other sister is a manic depressive. She only leaves the house to go to work, and spends all of her other time watching TV or napping. She will be 40 this year. I don't know if she ever wanted to get married but I do think maybe she wanted kids. She is happiest around our niece and nephew. We live together and we barely speak. I think I subconsciously avoid her because maybe I am afraid her depression is contagious? This makes me a horrible person. I feel tremendous guilt over it, but I can't help anyone sort out their lives until I sort out mine. I am a pretty happy person. but the lines between happiness and stability and misery and chaos are very blurry and thin right now.
My best friend is lonely, trying to get over an abusive relationship. I do my best to make her as happy as I can. She is happy for me and loves my new boyfriend, but I know that she longs for what we have herself. She is 41, with a child she rarely sees and a job she hates.
All these women in my life who are so sad. Why do I get to be so happy right now? This love is just icing on the cake; I was happy before that. The only problems I had in my life are the ones within myself, most specifially the ones pertaining to my career. I am blessed with a devoted family, wonderful, loving friends, a job I have so much fun at, an apartment I really like in a neighborhood I adore, and now this wonderful man who does everything he can to show that he cares about me. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy, but I can't help it. My heart aches for my sisters and my mom and my best friend and all the people I love who are in pain. I don't know what to do to make things better. I keep just taking things one day at a time and constantly giving thanks for everything I have.
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I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship too. One day she just took a backpack full of clothes and left her boyfriend. She lived across the country from me and had no where to go. She ended up in a shelter. Now she's married and has 2 kids. Her husband would never raise a hand to her.
There is hope.
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