Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
4 more nifty designs.
Pearl Jam is one of my favorite bands for a lot of reasons. They are skilled passionate musicians who continue to re-invent their sound even though they actually are less popular for doing so. They are versatile, they put on an amazing live show, they seem to have as much fun making music now as they did over 16 years ago.
They happen to have an amazing design firm who handles all of their posters and t-shirts. The posters sell out quickly at shows and soon appear on Ebay with bids of 100s of bucks. The firm is called Ames Bros Design (http://www.amesbros.com). I couldn't get the links to work, it might be my browser, but I have spent hours in the past perusing the site. The firm was founded by bassist Jeff Ament's brother Barry, but in this case the nepotism was well deserved. The firm designs all of PJ's stuff, as well as posters and shirts for other bands. they also design general stuff for thise hip edgy urban places. Do a good search for their stuff, its intelligent and evocative.
They happen to have an amazing design firm who handles all of their posters and t-shirts. The posters sell out quickly at shows and soon appear on Ebay with bids of 100s of bucks. The firm is called Ames Bros Design (http://www.amesbros.com). I couldn't get the links to work, it might be my browser, but I have spent hours in the past perusing the site. The firm was founded by bassist Jeff Ament's brother Barry, but in this case the nepotism was well deserved. The firm designs all of PJ's stuff, as well as posters and shirts for other bands. they also design general stuff for thise hip edgy urban places. Do a good search for their stuff, its intelligent and evocative.
24 Cool Things I Found!!
The internet is a wonderful thing :)
These are cool pieces I found by Kelly Blair, Gray318, and Heads of State. I hope I didn't leave any studios out or miscredit. The very bottom is Louise Fili. I think the middle bottle is particularly lovely.
These are cool pieces I found by Kelly Blair, Gray318, and Heads of State. I hope I didn't leave any studios out or miscredit. The very bottom is Louise Fili. I think the middle bottle is particularly lovely.
Cool T Shirt Designs
Came across these. Thought they were reeeally cool. If my t shirt designs came out half as cool as these I would be very happy.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Thinking about this whole "inspiration" thing and the assignment for next week
I was overthinking this; I couldn't seem to figure out what inspires me. I started writing to figure it out, I covered all sorts of areas of my life that make my existence more meaningful: My family, my friends, styles of art that I am drawn to, books I have read, music I listen to. I even looked up "inspire" in the dictionary to make sure I hadn't lost my mind and forgotten the meaning. (FYI, the definition that I like the best is: To stimulate to action; motivate.)
So I decided to simplify things and not overthink it. (As if by divine intervention I remembered that I usually create the best work when I keep things simple and don't try to be all cerebral, meaningful, and deep.) I have always been inspired by the colors, patterns, and shapes of fruits and vegetables, and have always wanted to utilize them in my work.
If you didn't bother to read my dissertation on my new thesis idea from yesterday, I will give you the cliff notes version. I have decided to pick 3 distractions that used to hold me back, and use them as the basis for productive projects that move me forward. Since one of the distractions was my over-consumption of alcohol, I think I would like to design a line of flavored vodkas using the natural colors, patterns and shapes of fruit.
If you aren't familiar with the world of liquor today, there is just about every flavor of vodka available: orange, apple, pear, grapefruit, pomegranate, blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, lemon, lime, cherry, vanilla, chocolate, peach. I think at this point if the fruit exists, they have made a flavored vodka from it.
See, aren't these pretty?!
There is a deeper reason behind this whole fruit thing. I am not coming home drunk everyday anymore. I am not smoking or eating food that is bad for me anymore. I am eating well, lots of fruits and veggies and healthy protein. I am taking vitamins and drinking water and exercising. And I feel really good!! I have more energy, I am happier, it is easier for me to focus. This change in my habits, from self destructive to positive and healthy, inspires me. The hum in my muscles after a good bike ride is great motivation. Dropping a pants size because I am not consuming vast amounts of red meat and fat and whiskey makes me want to shout from the roof tops. So I can appreciate the whole fruit things from both an aesthetic viewpoint, and also because being healthy is way more inspirational than I ever realized.
So I decided to simplify things and not overthink it. (As if by divine intervention I remembered that I usually create the best work when I keep things simple and don't try to be all cerebral, meaningful, and deep.) I have always been inspired by the colors, patterns, and shapes of fruits and vegetables, and have always wanted to utilize them in my work.
If you didn't bother to read my dissertation on my new thesis idea from yesterday, I will give you the cliff notes version. I have decided to pick 3 distractions that used to hold me back, and use them as the basis for productive projects that move me forward. Since one of the distractions was my over-consumption of alcohol, I think I would like to design a line of flavored vodkas using the natural colors, patterns and shapes of fruit.
If you aren't familiar with the world of liquor today, there is just about every flavor of vodka available: orange, apple, pear, grapefruit, pomegranate, blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, lemon, lime, cherry, vanilla, chocolate, peach. I think at this point if the fruit exists, they have made a flavored vodka from it.
See, aren't these pretty?!
There is a deeper reason behind this whole fruit thing. I am not coming home drunk everyday anymore. I am not smoking or eating food that is bad for me anymore. I am eating well, lots of fruits and veggies and healthy protein. I am taking vitamins and drinking water and exercising. And I feel really good!! I have more energy, I am happier, it is easier for me to focus. This change in my habits, from self destructive to positive and healthy, inspires me. The hum in my muscles after a good bike ride is great motivation. Dropping a pants size because I am not consuming vast amounts of red meat and fat and whiskey makes me want to shout from the roof tops. So I can appreciate the whole fruit things from both an aesthetic viewpoint, and also because being healthy is way more inspirational than I ever realized.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Backup idea in case the "Distractions" idea turns out to be a bust.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, we don't have a lot of time so get on with this already!!
I have noticed I have been having a lot of nightmares in the past week. I think this happens when I am not expressiing myself creatively, or it could be that something is really really bother me. I can't remember them all, I just wake up disoriented and relieved that I was just dreaming. One that I do remember vividly is that a loved one went missing, I think its because of a true story I read a couple weeks ago. Another was that there was a water shortage and we all had to use these horribly disgusting outhouses for the next 20 years, and vegetables were $8 a lb!! I think that one was because I went upstate the other day and was forced to use an outhouse. ICK!!
The reason I like this topic of nightmares is because there are so many possibilities!! I could do a bookcover series based on Stephen King books, or I could design a cd boxed set for a death metal band. Since I always wake up with excruciating back pain after these nightmares, I could do packaging design for some kind of pain reliever. I kinda wanna just have fun with it - take this thing that is plaguing me and make it into something silly and manageable.
Ok, gotta run to work, post more when I get home!!
I have noticed I have been having a lot of nightmares in the past week. I think this happens when I am not expressiing myself creatively, or it could be that something is really really bother me. I can't remember them all, I just wake up disoriented and relieved that I was just dreaming. One that I do remember vividly is that a loved one went missing, I think its because of a true story I read a couple weeks ago. Another was that there was a water shortage and we all had to use these horribly disgusting outhouses for the next 20 years, and vegetables were $8 a lb!! I think that one was because I went upstate the other day and was forced to use an outhouse. ICK!!
The reason I like this topic of nightmares is because there are so many possibilities!! I could do a bookcover series based on Stephen King books, or I could design a cd boxed set for a death metal band. Since I always wake up with excruciating back pain after these nightmares, I could do packaging design for some kind of pain reliever. I kinda wanna just have fun with it - take this thing that is plaguing me and make it into something silly and manageable.
Ok, gotta run to work, post more when I get home!!
Ok, so things are coming into focus.
There was something I read about in the Rick Jarrow book that I actually posted about earlier. I really related to it. Its on page 8, top of the page.
He writes:"Without a basic personal integrity and heartfelt energy associated with our work, nothing we produce or own will ever be enough, and we will continue to appease our deeper longings with one partial preoccupation after another."
I have done this in the past, in my heart I have known since I was 19 that I would never truly be happy unless I embraced my talents, yet I kept letting myself get distracted by things that weren't important because I wasn't brave enough to fully invest myself and work as hard as I knew I could. I can think or 4 things that distracted me: boys, alcohol/"partying hard", hobbies (more specifically my brief stint in a band) and the rat race (working at an unrewarding 9-5 for the great benefits and meager but steady paycheck.)
I have spent the past hour reading other students blogs and re-reading my thesis ideas. We only have 7 weeks left and there isn't time for dilly-dallying. I think my other ideas for thesis topics were good, but I am having a hard time coming up with concrete things I can do with them. I think they are a little broad and they are making my mind detour into Tangent Land.
So I propose a new thesis: I am finally coming to a place in my life where these things that are unimportant are losing their hold over me, where I am able to eliminate the noise and focus on what is important. I have no hard feelings against these demons that stunted my progress for years, because without them I never would be where I am today. I am going to take these things that have held me back and turn them into things that will drive me forward. How, you ask? I will become a better designer, and hopefully they will be kickass pieces that will make people want to hire me.
I am picking 3 of the 4 and devoting 2 commercial projects to each of these things.
• Alcohol addiction
• Preoccupation with boys
• the band
I know what forms I want in my portfolio:
• Bookcover series
• Logo/Branding
• Packaging
• Apparel design
• CD box set
• I am not 100% sure yet, but I think the last would be a stationary set. A board game could be fun too though . . .
I haven't exactly assigned what goes with what just yet, but I have a couple ideas:
• Since you can't design a book cover series without reading the books you are designing for, I had to pick books that I had read. I happen to be a big Augusten Burroughs fan. The first book I read was Dry, an autobiographical account of his harrowing addiction to alcohol. I would create a series using 2 of his other books, Magical Thinking and Running with Scissors (because those are the 3 I have read.) He has 2 more, Sellevision which is fiction, and Possible Side Effects which I am going to read this weekend. This would take care of 1 of the alcohol pieces.
• Then I was thinking of doing some design for men's t-shirts or hats, because I am kinda liking the stuff I am seeing these days. Its edgy, its hip, and it doesn't have any requirements other than looking really cool. The extra added bonus is I can silk-screen them onto t-shirts and give them to the boyfriend :)
• Obviously I can design a cd boxed set as part of the "band" category. I just have to figure out what band or artisit to design for.
So I have 1 for each so far, more or less. I still am deep in brainstorm mode, but the wheels are definitely turning. Will update as developments occur. Sorry for the long post!! Any feedback greatly appreciated!!
He writes:"Without a basic personal integrity and heartfelt energy associated with our work, nothing we produce or own will ever be enough, and we will continue to appease our deeper longings with one partial preoccupation after another."
I have done this in the past, in my heart I have known since I was 19 that I would never truly be happy unless I embraced my talents, yet I kept letting myself get distracted by things that weren't important because I wasn't brave enough to fully invest myself and work as hard as I knew I could. I can think or 4 things that distracted me: boys, alcohol/"partying hard", hobbies (more specifically my brief stint in a band) and the rat race (working at an unrewarding 9-5 for the great benefits and meager but steady paycheck.)
I have spent the past hour reading other students blogs and re-reading my thesis ideas. We only have 7 weeks left and there isn't time for dilly-dallying. I think my other ideas for thesis topics were good, but I am having a hard time coming up with concrete things I can do with them. I think they are a little broad and they are making my mind detour into Tangent Land.
So I propose a new thesis: I am finally coming to a place in my life where these things that are unimportant are losing their hold over me, where I am able to eliminate the noise and focus on what is important. I have no hard feelings against these demons that stunted my progress for years, because without them I never would be where I am today. I am going to take these things that have held me back and turn them into things that will drive me forward. How, you ask? I will become a better designer, and hopefully they will be kickass pieces that will make people want to hire me.
I am picking 3 of the 4 and devoting 2 commercial projects to each of these things.
• Alcohol addiction
• Preoccupation with boys
• the band
I know what forms I want in my portfolio:
• Bookcover series
• Logo/Branding
• Packaging
• Apparel design
• CD box set
• I am not 100% sure yet, but I think the last would be a stationary set. A board game could be fun too though . . .
I haven't exactly assigned what goes with what just yet, but I have a couple ideas:
• Since you can't design a book cover series without reading the books you are designing for, I had to pick books that I had read. I happen to be a big Augusten Burroughs fan. The first book I read was Dry, an autobiographical account of his harrowing addiction to alcohol. I would create a series using 2 of his other books, Magical Thinking and Running with Scissors (because those are the 3 I have read.) He has 2 more, Sellevision which is fiction, and Possible Side Effects which I am going to read this weekend. This would take care of 1 of the alcohol pieces.
• Then I was thinking of doing some design for men's t-shirts or hats, because I am kinda liking the stuff I am seeing these days. Its edgy, its hip, and it doesn't have any requirements other than looking really cool. The extra added bonus is I can silk-screen them onto t-shirts and give them to the boyfriend :)
• Obviously I can design a cd boxed set as part of the "band" category. I just have to figure out what band or artisit to design for.
So I have 1 for each so far, more or less. I still am deep in brainstorm mode, but the wheels are definitely turning. Will update as developments occur. Sorry for the long post!! Any feedback greatly appreciated!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
One more quick thing . . .
Saturday was my birthday. I worked because I can't afford to give up a Saturday shift. It was ok cause I had drinks with friends on Friday and celebrated with my family Sunday. It was a good shift. I made good money and met some cool people. The girls I work with are dear friends and some other dear friends came in to see me. My friend Nate is an amazing artist with no formal training. He drew this picture for me. I am in love with it because I love the expressions he is able to capture, and also I love when people take the time to make something for me with their hands. He currently waits tables. I constantly tell him he should pursue his talent. I am framing this and hanging it above my bed.
** This is only a portion of the image - the sides and bottom got cut off because it is bigger than my scanner.
** This is only a portion of the image - the sides and bottom got cut off because it is bigger than my scanner.
One quick thought tonight . . .
and then I am going to sleep!!
The other day I was riding the rain, I was exhausted cause I had a long night, but couldn't help but notice this GORGEOUS!! black lab. Soo shiny and beautiful. Then I noticed that it was a seeing eye dog, and that the woman it was assisting was very stylish indeed. She had this chic floppy brimmed black hat, fashionable shades, a black tank with pretty jeweled detail at the collar, and flattering back capris. For a touch of color, she had turquoise sequined middle eastern style flats. I couldn't stop looking at her and her beautiful dog. I wanted to take a picture but thought it would be rude. But it just seemed so wonderful to me, because she did have a handicap, but she still was utterly fabulous. And the thought I took away from my brief encounter with this woman was, don't let anything hold you back. Be you who are, let your inner style shine. Yes, I am aware that it sounds silly and superficial, that I could be so impacted by someone's clothes, but in a small way its kind of similar to Beethoven being able to create such magical music even though he couldn't hear. I just like the thought of people who refused to be limited because of the things they can't do, who live life on their own terms.
Don't know if that made sense, but have more to post after I catch a couple ZZZs!!
The other day I was riding the rain, I was exhausted cause I had a long night, but couldn't help but notice this GORGEOUS!! black lab. Soo shiny and beautiful. Then I noticed that it was a seeing eye dog, and that the woman it was assisting was very stylish indeed. She had this chic floppy brimmed black hat, fashionable shades, a black tank with pretty jeweled detail at the collar, and flattering back capris. For a touch of color, she had turquoise sequined middle eastern style flats. I couldn't stop looking at her and her beautiful dog. I wanted to take a picture but thought it would be rude. But it just seemed so wonderful to me, because she did have a handicap, but she still was utterly fabulous. And the thought I took away from my brief encounter with this woman was, don't let anything hold you back. Be you who are, let your inner style shine. Yes, I am aware that it sounds silly and superficial, that I could be so impacted by someone's clothes, but in a small way its kind of similar to Beethoven being able to create such magical music even though he couldn't hear. I just like the thought of people who refused to be limited because of the things they can't do, who live life on their own terms.
Don't know if that made sense, but have more to post after I catch a couple ZZZs!!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Another potential thesis topic . . .
Simplifying my life. Weeding out the junk, the unnecessary, the stuff that ways me down. Be it junk mail, old possessions taking up space in my cluttered apartment, or people who are causing me more grief than joy. (Though I think I have rid myself of all of those people already.)
Its not just about spring cleaning, its about letting go of the past, starting fresh, not allowing yourself to be weighed down by physical things or distracted by what is unimportant.
Its amazing how freeing it is; I just unsuscribed to a bunch of email notifications I signed up for years ago and I feel wonderful!!
Its not just about spring cleaning, its about letting go of the past, starting fresh, not allowing yourself to be weighed down by physical things or distracted by what is unimportant.
Its amazing how freeing it is; I just unsuscribed to a bunch of email notifications I signed up for years ago and I feel wonderful!!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Thoughts on this blog and on photography
I really like the idea of this blog. Its like a digital sketchbook: clean, organized, streamlined. I have posted on this several times today - I tend to stay away from my physical sketchbooks because they are messy and that turns me off. (I have to overcome this, I know.) But this blog thing has encouraged me to type out my ideas, collect images, look for inspiration in the everyday.
I have always loved taking pictures. I love the idea of capturing a moment forever in time. People who aren't compulsive picture takers don't understand this. I pretend to tearfully explain that having grown up in a small rural village in India in the 1940s, my mom doesn't have a picture of herself before she was 18, and as a result I want to capture every moment that I possibly can because we live in a time where we have that luxury. Even though I joke about being sad about my mom never knowing what she looked like as a baby, it really does sadden me. Nowadays, preserving these fleeting precious moments is soo effortless, and I plan on utilizing all of this wonderful technology we have at our fingertips to its fullest. When I see a picture taken 10 years ago that I completely forgot about, it instantly brings me back to that place and time so long ago. I love that. I really like my life and I want to document it.
Here are a few random images from the past couple of weeks that have inspired me in some shape or form.
I like the shadows cast by the martini glass.
My friend got a black eye playing basketball. I find this image horrific yet I can't look away.
I like to take silly "theme" pictures with my friends. We pick a mood and try to convey it in self portraits. This one is "thoughtful." I don't really know how successful we are; I look like I am plotting a nefarious scheme and he looks constipated. Past themes include "surprised," "confused," "tough," etc. We do this purely because it is fun and ridiculous. I used to try to downplay my silly side, but now I embrace it because it is such a huge part of who I am.
Oh, to be this carefree again!!
I have always loved taking pictures. I love the idea of capturing a moment forever in time. People who aren't compulsive picture takers don't understand this. I pretend to tearfully explain that having grown up in a small rural village in India in the 1940s, my mom doesn't have a picture of herself before she was 18, and as a result I want to capture every moment that I possibly can because we live in a time where we have that luxury. Even though I joke about being sad about my mom never knowing what she looked like as a baby, it really does sadden me. Nowadays, preserving these fleeting precious moments is soo effortless, and I plan on utilizing all of this wonderful technology we have at our fingertips to its fullest. When I see a picture taken 10 years ago that I completely forgot about, it instantly brings me back to that place and time so long ago. I love that. I really like my life and I want to document it.
Here are a few random images from the past couple of weeks that have inspired me in some shape or form.
I like the shadows cast by the martini glass.
My friend got a black eye playing basketball. I find this image horrific yet I can't look away.
I like to take silly "theme" pictures with my friends. We pick a mood and try to convey it in self portraits. This one is "thoughtful." I don't really know how successful we are; I look like I am plotting a nefarious scheme and he looks constipated. Past themes include "surprised," "confused," "tough," etc. We do this purely because it is fun and ridiculous. I used to try to downplay my silly side, but now I embrace it because it is such a huge part of who I am.
Oh, to be this carefree again!!
Ideas for thesis
1. Feeling guilty about being happy . My first post provides a very long explanation of this. It is a prevalent theme in my life these days.
2. Trying to juggle too many things at once and dropping most of the balls. I always try to do this. I used to be much better at this when I was younger. In college I was in school full time, I had 2 jobs and a very active social life. I had fun but I was miserable at the same time. Now I am happy but its so much harder for me to handle so many things. I think its because now I care about doing them well, where as when I was younger I just wanted to get them out of the way.
3. The Things I Have Learned. Revelations I have had about design, about creating work you are proud of, about being as productive as possible, and about life in general.
4. Facade The idea of appearance versus reality, be it in relationships, in careers, in the media . . . the possibilities are endless. A few examples of what I mean:
• How many people truly marry for love, and how many marry for other reasons?
• Just how large is the gap between what the media relates to us and the actual truth?
5. " The wisest man in the world admits he knows nothing." As a freshman in college I swore up and down that I would never ever use anything I learned in Philosophy class. The beautiful irony is that the aforementioned Socrates quote is one of the most salient, most useful things lessons I learned in college. When I shut my mind off to ideas and experiences, my life is stagnant and depressing. I produce work that is boring and uninspired. I miss out on so much. I am not happy. When I open my mind to new thinking, to unlimited possibilities, when I admit that I don't know but I am willing to try, magical things can happen.
2. Trying to juggle too many things at once and dropping most of the balls. I always try to do this. I used to be much better at this when I was younger. In college I was in school full time, I had 2 jobs and a very active social life. I had fun but I was miserable at the same time. Now I am happy but its so much harder for me to handle so many things. I think its because now I care about doing them well, where as when I was younger I just wanted to get them out of the way.
3. The Things I Have Learned. Revelations I have had about design, about creating work you are proud of, about being as productive as possible, and about life in general.
4. Facade The idea of appearance versus reality, be it in relationships, in careers, in the media . . . the possibilities are endless. A few examples of what I mean:
• How many people truly marry for love, and how many marry for other reasons?
• Just how large is the gap between what the media relates to us and the actual truth?
5. " The wisest man in the world admits he knows nothing." As a freshman in college I swore up and down that I would never ever use anything I learned in Philosophy class. The beautiful irony is that the aforementioned Socrates quote is one of the most salient, most useful things lessons I learned in college. When I shut my mind off to ideas and experiences, my life is stagnant and depressing. I produce work that is boring and uninspired. I miss out on so much. I am not happy. When I open my mind to new thinking, to unlimited possibilities, when I admit that I don't know but I am willing to try, magical things can happen.
Thoughts on "Creating . . . "
I actually like this book so far. I was skimming it on the train and highlighting parts that I liked. Yes, Jarow is very verbose, but I really can't get too annoyed at that because I am the same way; I LOVE to talk and write a lot and I know that can sometimes be annoying to others. But I felt like I could really relate to his points (once he finally got around to making them. :p)
I haven't skimmed the whole thing but here are a couple of ideas that really speak to me:
• the phrases "straitjacket of their jobs" and "stepping off the treadmill we have created." Very eloquent ways to describe the very things I want to avoid and the reason I am going back to school.
• He writes that if we don't truly love our work, we will continue to "appease our deeper longings with one partial preoccupation after another." I have been doing this for years in so many different ways: through people, through addictions - both healthy and unhealthy, through various vocations and jobs and hobbies. I finally feel like I am ready to stop and devote myself to pursuing the work I love.
I haven't skimmed the whole thing but here are a couple of ideas that really speak to me:
• the phrases "straitjacket of their jobs" and "stepping off the treadmill we have created." Very eloquent ways to describe the very things I want to avoid and the reason I am going back to school.
• He writes that if we don't truly love our work, we will continue to "appease our deeper longings with one partial preoccupation after another." I have been doing this for years in so many different ways: through people, through addictions - both healthy and unhealthy, through various vocations and jobs and hobbies. I finally feel like I am ready to stop and devote myself to pursuing the work I love.
I found this coin yesterday.
Its a new pence. The front features the profile of Queen Elizabeth II. I could care less about that, but I really like this side. It makes me want to write a letter, melt some wax, and seal the letter with this coin. People don't really write letters anymore. Its all email nowadays. I think it would be a nice thing to start writing letters and putting wax seals on them. It would also be really confusing to postal workers :)
Sunday, June 10, 2007
A crazy little thing called love.
I have recently fallen in love. I am well aware that its brand new but it feels like the beginning of something real. I am not naive or a hopeless romantic when it comes to love. I have been in enough relationships to know that there are ups and downs - its not always hearts and flowers, sometimes it is hard and really sucks. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes people just fall out of love. Its no one's fault.
But this boy, he is all the things I wanted but was too cynical to believe I could have. He is so comfortable in his own skin. He accepts me, flaws and all. When I am upset, he is able to effortlessly make me calm. The eerie thing is that this all comes so naturally to him. We laugh about the most ridiculous things. I am constantly smiling. I know these are all qualities of new love, but he feels like a friend I have known for years. I don't know why I am so lucky to have him in my life, but I am very grateful for it.
The energy he has brought into my life has done wonders for my mental state. He is passionate about his career and that inspires me. He is supportive of me and interested in my work. He makes me remember what I love about art and design. He makes me remember what I love about life in general.
I feel guilty for being this happy. My sister's marriage of 8 years is falling apart. She is trying to hold it together for her children, but when I speak to her on the phone she breaks down.
My mother calls me crying, because she is in poor health, because she has been in a miserable marriage for the past 40 years, because she is heartbroken for her grandaughter and her grandchildren.
I think my other sister is a manic depressive. She only leaves the house to go to work, and spends all of her other time watching TV or napping. She will be 40 this year. I don't know if she ever wanted to get married but I do think maybe she wanted kids. She is happiest around our niece and nephew. We live together and we barely speak. I think I subconsciously avoid her because maybe I am afraid her depression is contagious? This makes me a horrible person. I feel tremendous guilt over it, but I can't help anyone sort out their lives until I sort out mine. I am a pretty happy person. but the lines between happiness and stability and misery and chaos are very blurry and thin right now.
My best friend is lonely, trying to get over an abusive relationship. I do my best to make her as happy as I can. She is happy for me and loves my new boyfriend, but I know that she longs for what we have herself. She is 41, with a child she rarely sees and a job she hates.
All these women in my life who are so sad. Why do I get to be so happy right now? This love is just icing on the cake; I was happy before that. The only problems I had in my life are the ones within myself, most specifially the ones pertaining to my career. I am blessed with a devoted family, wonderful, loving friends, a job I have so much fun at, an apartment I really like in a neighborhood I adore, and now this wonderful man who does everything he can to show that he cares about me. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy, but I can't help it. My heart aches for my sisters and my mom and my best friend and all the people I love who are in pain. I don't know what to do to make things better. I keep just taking things one day at a time and constantly giving thanks for everything I have.
But this boy, he is all the things I wanted but was too cynical to believe I could have. He is so comfortable in his own skin. He accepts me, flaws and all. When I am upset, he is able to effortlessly make me calm. The eerie thing is that this all comes so naturally to him. We laugh about the most ridiculous things. I am constantly smiling. I know these are all qualities of new love, but he feels like a friend I have known for years. I don't know why I am so lucky to have him in my life, but I am very grateful for it.
The energy he has brought into my life has done wonders for my mental state. He is passionate about his career and that inspires me. He is supportive of me and interested in my work. He makes me remember what I love about art and design. He makes me remember what I love about life in general.
I feel guilty for being this happy. My sister's marriage of 8 years is falling apart. She is trying to hold it together for her children, but when I speak to her on the phone she breaks down.
My mother calls me crying, because she is in poor health, because she has been in a miserable marriage for the past 40 years, because she is heartbroken for her grandaughter and her grandchildren.
I think my other sister is a manic depressive. She only leaves the house to go to work, and spends all of her other time watching TV or napping. She will be 40 this year. I don't know if she ever wanted to get married but I do think maybe she wanted kids. She is happiest around our niece and nephew. We live together and we barely speak. I think I subconsciously avoid her because maybe I am afraid her depression is contagious? This makes me a horrible person. I feel tremendous guilt over it, but I can't help anyone sort out their lives until I sort out mine. I am a pretty happy person. but the lines between happiness and stability and misery and chaos are very blurry and thin right now.
My best friend is lonely, trying to get over an abusive relationship. I do my best to make her as happy as I can. She is happy for me and loves my new boyfriend, but I know that she longs for what we have herself. She is 41, with a child she rarely sees and a job she hates.
All these women in my life who are so sad. Why do I get to be so happy right now? This love is just icing on the cake; I was happy before that. The only problems I had in my life are the ones within myself, most specifially the ones pertaining to my career. I am blessed with a devoted family, wonderful, loving friends, a job I have so much fun at, an apartment I really like in a neighborhood I adore, and now this wonderful man who does everything he can to show that he cares about me. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy, but I can't help it. My heart aches for my sisters and my mom and my best friend and all the people I love who are in pain. I don't know what to do to make things better. I keep just taking things one day at a time and constantly giving thanks for everything I have.
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